I've been having a bit of trouble focusing myself and orienting myself toward my goals. I think part of this is because I've lost sight of what my goals are. This is never a good thing. It can lead a person into a downward spiral emotionally, physically, mentally. I've tried to redefine and understand who I am and who I want to be so many times that I think I've lost who the core of me actually is.
Kendo is a lifestyle. I seem to have forgotten this in the need to consider other lifestyles that I am currently engaged in. Some of these lifestyles are necessary, healthy progressions of me as an individual. Others, not so much. In this losing of self, I've lost sight of a lot of the things that gave me true satisfaction in exchange for what gives only temporary pleasure. In trying to find a harmony between lifestyles to re-balance myself, I've left kendo at the wayside.
I thought for a while that I had lost my passion for kendo, as if it were something that could that easily disappear. In reflecting on this I see that this isn't the case. I have the same passion for kendo that I've always had, but I have erected barriers between myself and this passion so the way is now conflicted and uncertain. Before I can love kendo again, I must remove these barriers. Before I love kendo, I must love myself.
Sometimes it takes hard words to understand. Sometimes it takes pain and failure and misery to truly see. I hope I can lift myself above the challenges I face now and return to a place where I am truly happy. If I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking steps toward becoming the person I want to be, then I can embrace kendo into my life again, and more importantly, kendo can embrace me.
No comments:
Post a Comment